There are things in this world that traverse the boundaries of explanation.  I call these things "Unexplainable Boundary Traversing Objects," or UBTO's.  The master list containing these UBTO's is quite large,  in fact, it is so large that to describe it on this website would be foolish, and might possibly induce the apocalypse.  Therefore, in the spirit of brevity, I am going to describe the things on my personal UBTO list.  My UBTO list is much more manageable.  In fact there is only one thing on my UBTO list.  That thing is:

The coin operated pool table.

Now, before you start pissing in your panties from excitement, while updating your own UBTO list with this often-overlooked, but much deserving UBTO of mine, let me make sure you understand why the coin operated pool table belongs on this list.  It may seem obvious to some.  Heck, just the thought of this item speaks volumes of it's worthiness.  There are many people however, that do not truly understand the power behind the coin operated pool table.  I know I am not alone in the sentiment that I should take time out of my busy work day to enlighten the un-enlightened.  I accept this sacred duty, and I will do my best as an unknown internet author/publisher/producer/executive producer/key grip, to fulfill this duty.

Note:  For all you college/high school students out there that happen to be writing some sort of paper on the coin operated pool table, feel free to use any information you find useful here.  Just be sure to quote me when necessary.  One thing to keep in mind is  the information obtained here, may not be 100% true.  Likewise you could say that it is 100% fact free information.  Do with this as you wish.

 

The coin operated pool table was the brain child of a clever bar owner who needed to find a way to milk loose change from drunk customers.  It was an immediate hit with his patrons who not only loved to play pool, but who also loved the sound the quarters made when you manipulated the coin insertion aperture (In laymen's terms, you make the "ka-ching" sound with the coin thingy).

Being able to play pool while drunk, while at the same time making the "ka-ching" sound with the coin thingy are definitely noble attributes for any pay-to-play billiards device.  However, this is no reason for elevation to UBTO status. 

The reason for UBTO status is quite simple, and at the same time, it is very complex.  It is simple to understand it's UBTO worthiness, but it is very complex to understand how and why it is worthy.  The religious connotations alone scream of it's complexity.  Scientists and the clergy have labored extensively on the how and why portion of it all.  Many universities have bankrupted themselves funneling money to fund the research. 

I suppose the best way to get to the bottom of this is to start and the beginning, when the quarters drop into the slot.

As you make the coveted "ka-ching" sound, the quarters are dropped into a hopper.  As the coins fall, they hit a switch that opens up a trap-door inside the table that releases the balls to the ball access area.  At this point the balls can be placed onto the table for a rousing game of "slop-ball."  During the normal sequence of play, the numbered balls fall into the pockets and roll down a magic prison ramp into a sort of "ball purgatory".  One side of the "ball purgatory" is made of glass, and you can view the balls, if you like, the way you would look at some large marine mammal at Sea-World, to see how they deal with the conditions.  I have done this, and I can tell you that the balls look the same in the "ball purgatory" as they do on the table.  Either the balls are really, really good at hiding their emotions, or the glass ball-purgatory is not as bad as it seems.  The balls remain here like little round convicts until more quarters are put into the coin insertion aperture.

So far so good.  No need for an astronomical telemetrics degree yet. 

Note:  Do not ask what a degree in astronomical telemetrics involves.  If you have to ask about it, you are too stupid to ever grasp it, also, I may have just made it up.

If you are anything like me, when you play pool, you inadvertently (sometimes AD-vertently) pocket the cue ball.  This is where the awesomeness of the coin operated pool table comes into play.  For unknown, and quite mysterious reasons, the cue ball does not have to travel down the magic prison ramp into "ball purgatory."

No one knows why this is.  Some people think they know.  They explain that the cue ball is smaller/lighter and that there is some sort of balance that keeps it from going down the bad ramp.  This is utter crap.  Are we supposed to believe there are these magic balances at every hole on the table?  I have heard some pool tables have as many as six holes!  Are we supposed to think that there have to be magic balances at all six holes?  This is not something I can accept.  It is just too much.

Fortunately for you, I figured out the answer to these questions.  In order to grasp my explanation, you must open up your mind.  If your mind is open, and you read what I am about to write with rapt fascination, you will understand also.

Ok, here goes.  The reason the cue ball does not go into ball purgatory with the other balls is because of God.

Wait, come back, it is not a cop-out.  I have real reasons to blame God, hear me out.

The coin operated pool table is a direct parallel of the Christian religion.  The balls, represent people.  The stripes are the men, and the solids are the women (or vice versa, it does not matter), and are all different colors to represent the different races in the world.  The eight-ball is Satan, and the Cue ball is God.  The cue ball is white, and the eight ball, is black.  This is not a coincidence.  The color white has usually represented what is good in the world (God), and the color black has usually  represented what is evil (Satan).

All the stripe and solid balls are allowed to mingle on the table, mixing it up, having a good time, fornicating and rubbing up against one another like a mini felt covered Gomorrah.  They court around the table and go about their debauchery, all while under the watchful and encouraging eye of the eight ball (Satan).  This angers God, who with the aid of a long slender smiting stick (pool cue), smites the balls into the holes where they travel to purgatory for their sins to wait until they are released.  The eight ball waits until the end to have a final showdown with God, and is eventually sent back to hell to watch over the other balls.  The eight ball, pissed because he got his ass kicked, again, by God, decides to pull out his whip and flog the snot out of the other balls while telling them they are fat.

Since the cue ball represents God, it does not have to go to purgatory.  It can use it's magic god-power to avoid it.  There are no balances, or smaller holes.  The cue ball avoids the ball purgatory because it chooses to.

So there you have it.  The coin operated pool table deserves it's UBTO status.  It is a divine tool used by God's will and placed here on earth to entertain, as well as educate.  Make sure you pass this along to everyone you know.

Wait, Wait, Wait...

The preceding information is total crap.  The coin operated pool table does not parallel religion, it parallels race relations.  How could I have been so stupid.

All the balls on the table represent all the different ethnicities of the world.  The cue ball, which is white, is used to put all the other balls down (into the holes).  When the game is over, the diverse colors are segregated from the white cue ball.

The coin operated pool table is just another tool to keep the non-whites down.

Now that I think about it, maybe the coin operated pool table is not UBTO worthy. Hmmm...

Well, shit!  I do not want to have to redo my whole UBTO list. 

I am just going to trail off here and go do something else now...