Cake

One thing that has always irked me is when people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."  I think this is utter crap.  I never really thought about why it bothered me so much.  There are some things that you just accept without bothering to research the reason why.  Here is an example:

Did someone say "shitty movie"

(Image courtesy of...err...well...I forgot.)

Paul Walker is a famous actor.  No one knows why.  Sometimes actors become famous because of a strange phenomenon known as "acting ability".  Well, this is not the case with Paul Walker.  Don't believe me?  Just watch the movie Timeline, or better yet, any movie he has been in  (Fast and the Furious, Too Fast, Too Furious, and the upcoming sequel, Really Fucking Fast, Totally Fucking Furious).  Ok, I am getting ahead of myself, the "I hate Paul Walker" article will come later.

My whole point is, Paul Walker pisses me off, and I never cared to find out why.  I just accepted it, and the sooner everyone else accepts it, the better off the whole world will be.

Note:  The other night, I had the pleasure of watching Timeline.  It was the shittiest piece of shit I have ever seen.  It was dumber than a box of dumb.  This is the reason for the Paul Walker tirade.  I am sure he is a nice guy.

Where was I, oh yeah, cake.  Cake is good, especially angelfood cake.  I figured out, after months of research, that having your cake in front of you to look at and admire is a good thing, but is suddenly not possible when you start inhaling it, alone in the kitchen so you don’t have to share with the kids.  Eating the cake is also a good thing, but since you are eating it, you no longer have it to admire and flaunt in front of your kids.  This is a problem and the precise reason this saying always bothered me.  When someone tells me that I cannot have my cake and eat it too, I get really cheesed off.  No shit asshole, thanks for the bad news.  What kind of fucker goes around telling people bad news?  Maybe I can have my cake and eat it too.  What if I save half my cake?  What then fucker?

These are the same people that say things like, “You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.”  What the hell is that about?  If I take the time to lead a damn horse to water, I can make him drink.  In fact, if I lead a horse to a gas station, I could make him drink gas.  If you shove the gas nozzle far enough down the horse’s throat, the horse will drink the gas.  I guarantee it will work, although I have never tried it, and although I have never tried it, I feel safe in assuming that the horse will not like it.

Now that I think about it, horses scare the hell out of me.  What is it with their teeth? They have human teeth for Pete's sake.  My unnatural fear of horses probably started when I was 12 and much less angry.  Shannon, my next-door neighbor (who was 14 at the time), and I were feeding Atari, her horse.  All of a sudden, in an unprovoked attack, Atari viciously tried to eat Shannon and managed to lay a large human-teeth shaped bruise on her shoulder.  I was horrified and ran away screaming!  Damn horse with its gross human teeth!  All we were doing was feeding it firecrackers.

After that, thanks to my equine cowardice, I knew I would never score with Shannon.  I was sure that after the story of my self-preservation got around school, no woman would ever allow me to touch her.  I knew that I would die a fat virgin, so I decided, as I was running like a Frenchman from the evil horse, to become a computer nerd.  The very next day I bought my very first computer book (title: Basic Programming for the very Patient).  Luckily for me, the book store had a special that day and my computer book came with a free Dungeon Masters guide.

The moral to this story?

“You can feed a horse firecrackers, but you can’t expect the horse to be grateful and not bite your next door neighbor on the shoulder, while at the same time, ruining your life because you ran like a wee girl.”

Getting back to the whole Cake thing.  I have a solution to the cake problem.  This solution is sure to anger the cake zealots, who think it is cool to tease people with cakes.  My solution is simple, and I am surprised I had not thought of it sooner.  The solution is:

Two cakes.

How about that cake zealots?  What are you going to say now?  I can have one cake all nice and untouched, while inhaling the other cake in the kitchen.  The only thing better than two cakes, would be two stolen cakes.  No wait, two stolen, angelfood cakes.  That way, the stolen cake you inhaled would taste better, since you did not have to make it or buy it.  Angelfood cakes are a bitch to make. Trying to separate the egg white from the yolk is a painful process, or so I've been told.