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Prologue: I am not sure where I am going with this article, just to be on the safe side, anything I might say aboot Canada in the following paragraphs might not be 100% factual.
I have been taking some online courses in order to finally get myself a bachelor’s degree. As you can imagine, this affords me little time to update this site. Lately, I have had a difficult time finding time at work to update the site and do my class work. Every time I sit down to actually do something constructive, (constructive = non-work related) someone needs help with something. The computer system I administer works great, all the time, until the operational users touch it. Once the users touch it, the indelible stench of computer illiteracy can never be removed. I honestly have no real problems with most users. If someone asks me to help him or her, and they are nice and humble, I will treat them with the utmost respect. The users I have issues with are the belligerents. I try to be nice to the belligerents. I do not openly mock their stupidity in front of the whole help desk. I do what anyone other computer professional would do. I wait until they have walked away to mock them. I suppose I should explain the belligerents. These are the people that get very upset when a computer does not do what they want it to do. They will click on something, say, the email icon. If something does not happen within .0000001 seconds of clicking the email icon, they will click it again. They will repeat this process until they have clicked the icon roughly 19,000 times. At this point, the computer, being the fickle creature it is, refuses to work. This is where I come in. One of these belligerents will approach me, as if I had nothing better to do, and tell me their computer is broken. Here is an actual transcript of one such instance:
At this point I go out to the computer, and find that there are 25 email program windows on the screen. I ask the belligerent, “Did you click on the email icon more than once?” The belligerent, straight-faced, replies, “No, I only clicked on it once.” Of course, the computer must have decided, on its own, to launch the email program 25 times. I do not want you to think that this is going to be another snotty-computer-geek-bitching-aboot-the-stupid-users type of story. That is not my problem. I welcome the users, they are the reason I have a job in the first place. My whole problem is lately; there have been more user problems than normal. This has kept me from my school and my website. I have been forced to do my schoolwork on my off time, and neglect the website altogether. I do not know how much more I can take. This billion-fold increase in user stupidity obviously signifies something big is aboot to happen. I do not know for sure what this ‘big something’ is, nor do I know who is responsible. One thing I do know that I can speculate as well as the next snotty computer geek.
This is all Canada’s fault, and to a lesser extent, France, for ruining the eastern half of Canada.
Canada is a large state in the northern United States that is responsible for beavers, hockey, ice, Alaska, and Mike Meyers. As far as states go, Canada is the only US state that currently, for many years now, openly claims independence from the USA. They go on and on aboot being a sovereign nation, and having their own navy, and other such nonsense. We, in the lower 48 contiguous states, really do not bother ourselves with these matters for two solid reasons. First, Canada has been gracious in their agreement to hold and keep most of the French people out of the lower 48 states. Second, its not like Canada is really going anywhere. Let them pretend. Increasingly cavalier attitudes aboot the sovereignty of our beaver-ridden northern state, has really started to cheese the Canadians off. These cheesed-off Canucks have decided to do something drastic. I know this because I spoke to a live un-domesticated Canadian just yesterday. I found, after conversing with the Canadian, that most Canadians are flagrantly interested in US politics. This was un-alarming to me until I found out what this specific Canadian thought aboot the current presidential race. I am going to quote him word for word here, pay attention. When asked, by me, what he thought of John Kerry, the Canadian actually said, with a straight face, “I think John Kerry would be a great president.”
Speculative snotty computer geek time out in…
Ok, before you run away screaming, keep in mind that Canadians really do not think that John Kerry would be a great president. If you were to infiltrate one of their secret meetings, you would find that actually, the only thing Canadians think John Kerry would be great at, is eating rocks. They only spread the “John Kerry/Great President” rumor around so that they can stir up political unrest in the lower states. This is how they are getting back at us for ignoring their sovereignty. But how, you may ask, does political unrest, the sovereignty of Canada, or John Kerry eating rocks have anything to do with increased user belligerence levels at my work place? I have not actually gotten to the bottom of that yet. It seems to me that this is some sort of huge conspiracy. I started to dig around, you know, search for clues. After aboot a week I started getting strange letters in the mail that said only, “Take off, eh?” I kept poking around until one day last month. I came home from work and found angry beaver-ish teeth marks all over my fine hard wood floors. The next night, I came home to find a giant hockey stick burning in my yard. I have decided to call off my investigations. I have to lay low. I am in too deep now. They know who I am and they are watching me. I have told you all way too much. Ok, just kidding, I just wrote all this to have an excuse to say mean things aboot Canada, also, I have tile floors.
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