Expletives, is there anything better?

As many people know, I am a fan of expletives. I have been perfecting the art of expletive placement for over two decades. I believe that mastering this skill is at par with mastering artificial livestock insemination, leaving the master-er to a lifetime of joy and strange looks from others.

A fan of expletives, as I define it is "any individual that purposefully/inadvertently interjects "rough language" into daily speech. I define "rough language" as any words when, if applied to conversation in front of children (unless it is my children, who are used to it and pretty much demand it now) produces interesting, and ultimately unwanted results.

Here is an true-life example of me driving in the car with my children:

Me: (after some fuck-hole in another car does something wrong) "Shit, look at this fucking dick-hole, this mother-fucker needs to be shot in the face!"

My 8-year-old daughter: (giggling, but shocked, all the while taking mental notes) "Dad!!"

My 7-year-old son: "Dad makes going to trailer park garage sales fun!"

Me: "Opps, sorry, I forgot I was not alone."

My 8-year-old daughter: (working out in her head how to spell dick-hole) "D-I-C..."

My 7-year-old son: (making dinosaur sounds) "GRRRRRRRR, Hey Dad, hey Dad, I'm an Allisaurous..."

Me: (hypocritically) "Just because I say bad words, does not mean that you two can use them."

My 8-year-old daughter: (trying to think of a way to slip a bad word into conversation) "I'm gonna tell Mom that you said "shit" and "dick-hole" and other things."

My 7-year-old son: (pretending to bite the head off an unfortunate spider-man action figure) "GRRRRRRRR, Chomp, Chomp"

Me: (trying to change the subject) "To hell with trailer-park garage sales, Hey, who wants to go to McDonalds?"

My 8-year-old daughter: "I DO I DO I DO...YEAH!!!! I hate trailer parks!!!"

My 7-year-old son: "ME ME ME...YEAH!!! Trailer parks need to be shot in the face."

Being a fan of expletives has been a hobby of mine for the past 20 years and, because of my love for the cursing arts, I have been chastised on occasion for practicing while at my place of work. A couple of months ago I was called into my bosses office and told that someone had complained about my choice of language. He could not tell me who it was and gave a lame explanation as to why he could not tell me. It did not matter. I know the reason. He did not want me, upon leaving his office, to immediately attempt to conduct an expletive-laden chat with my accuser. Anyway, I apologized and told him I would never fucking do it again and he would have no more "rough language" issues with me. Why, you may ask, did I apologize for having such a rewarding hobby? Easy, so that I could get back to my cube and resume browsing HotorNot.com

The whole point of writing this is to give credit when credit is due. Now, I consider myself a master when it comes to expletives, but today I had the surreal pleasure of meeting a Grand Master of Expletiv-ology. I am currently looking for a position in the Portland Oregon area and I have posted my resume on many job search sites. I got an email from a woman who said that she had some business opportunities with a certain company that I am qualified for and that if I want more information, I should call (name deleted) to talk about them. I thought it would be a boring conversation about the positions they had to offer that was nowhere near where I wanted to be, like fucking Virginia, or South Carolina. I had no idea that not only was I right about the positions, but, during the conversation, I was treated to the sweetest string of obscenities I had ever heard during a prospective job interview. I think that every third or fourth word was either "Fuck" or "Shit" (or derivatives of, such as fucker, and shit-pot, etc) and I think I even heard "douche-bag" and "Nazi" at least a couple of times. The highlight of the conversation is when I heard him say, "Fucking Nazi shit-pot-licking, douche-bag mother fuckers". I know that you are not surprised when I say that it was an enjoyable experience for both parties.

What I learned from all this is that you can try to be the best at what you are best at, but there is always someone better than you out there that can and will stuff your dick into the dirt to knock you down a few notches. I am just glad that my dick was stuffed by the best.

Oh, one more thing I learned. Kids never forget anything you say in front of them. The other day, My wife was walking into the house and had our son with her. She was unsure on the whereabouts of our daughter (I know, nice parenting, huh?) so she called out, "Madison? What are you doing?" From inside the bathroom in the house she heard Madison yell back "S-H-I-T ing!" I am sure, that ever since she heard me use the term "shit" in normal conversation, she was dying to figure out a way to get away with using it. She saw her chance as she was sitting on the toilet and went for it, but apparently got scared at the last minute and decided it would be safer to spell it out instead. I am proud that she is adept a plan formulation at the wee age of eight, but sometimes it scares me.