Double Life

I lead a double life.  I tried to keep this quiet, but some people, and you know who you are, have been hassling me to explain this.  At first, I thought these emails were just another tool to keep the bald man down, and I decided that I could rise above the hate and ignore it.  This failed.  A recent influx of hate email has come in and I have no choice but to answer.

Here is the hate mail, in all its un-edited GLO-ry:

Dear Webmaster...
I have a question that "frequently" runs thru my mind lately so I guess this would fall under the FAQ category..
Why is it that all of a sudden you have decided to call yourself "Brooks?".... All the years I have known you, your family, your friends and myself have always called you by another name, a name that fits you and even before me I know your family has called you this name since birth... Now about the name you are using now, I know only one person by that name and it is not you. Did you shapeshift or morph into someone or something else when I wasn't looking? I find this to be a little on the disturbing side.. Did you just finally wear that last name out, did you get up one day and think, "Hey I am going to change my name today." If that is how it works then from now on I want to be referred to as "Her Royal Highness Princess Buttercup."
I anxiously await your reply....
HRHPB...
 

Dear whoever you are this week,    I notice that whenever someone writes you a letter or has a question or submits any kind of craptacular art work you upload it right away to your web site for all to see... You also even take the time to reply to them... (gasp!) HOWEVER I know for a fact that I have sent you a question for your cynical sarcastic webpage and have yet to see it up on the site or have my very important question answered.. So why are you dragging your feet on this subject?  

You better know who....

I am pissed because you have still not posted my letter in regards to the whole name issue......is this because it is me writing the letter? or because you don't want to write about the whole Brooks/John dilemma? You are going to turn it into a whole big thing.......... A John-Gate if you will...... I just feel like I am getting the shaft here, and not in the good way..

The gist of these letters speak of my name being either Brooks, or John.  I know most of you have come to know me as either Brooks, or, John, or even just "Fat Dashing Man".  Well, the truth is, my name is not Brooks, or John.  Let me explain before you all pee your pants with excitement.

My parents called me John when I was younger due to an unhealthy fascination with toilets.  When I say unhealthy, I don't mean weird unhealthy, I did not visit public restrooms and lick the seats or anything.  I just thought toilets were cool.  Think about it, what other thing in the world gives itself so freely and without complaint.  You use toilets to shit in for Christ's sakes, and toilets never complain.  If the whole world were as accepting as toilets, we could probably put a stop to war and suffering.  Think about it.  We would no longer have to occupy the middle east.  The oil that our country requires to power the cars and trucks of all the anti-war protesters would not be an issue.  We could just take the oil, and the Oil Producing and Exporting Countries (OPEC, I think), having the mentality of toilets, would gladly give us all the oil we wanted.

Ok, I got carried away there.  Where was I...

Since the name John seemed to fit so well, everyone that came to know me in the early years knew me as John.  The end.

Ok, I know, this does not explain where the name Brooks came from.  Well, here goes..

My given name is actually too complicated for humans to pronounce, but in the mother tongue, it means "Darth Maul".  There are a lot of clicking and smacking of the lips in the pronunciation of my name, also, you would have to scream it to get it right.  As you can imagine, this would make meeting new people difficult.  

Me:  Hi, pleased to meet you, I'm DARTH MAULLLLLLLLLLL AHHHHHHHHHH!

New people:  What the fuck is wrong with this guy?

I started to get sick of John in early 1999.  I had to find something that was ultra-bitchin', while at the same time, easy to pronounce.  I started to go with "AbbaZabba", then I decided to try on "FattyBoomBaLatty"  After a few years, I went all out with "AbbaZabba FattyBoomBaLatty CEO-PHD".  I quickly noticed that adding CEO-PHD normally was restricted to CEO's that had PHD's.  Since I had no company to be the CEO of, and at the time, I did not actually possess a PHD, I decided I had to find something better.  

As most of you know by now, I am lazy.  Instead of actually doing the research and finding a name for myself, I decided to hold an internet poll.  I created a website that asked the entire internet what I should call myself.  Here are the top 10 results:

1. Brooks
2. Faggamuffin
3. Ass-hat
4. Psuedo-ball-lickulitus-barbae
5. Homosaurus Rex
6. Sphincter-face
7. Cat Poop
8. Joey-Jo-Jo-Junior Shabadoo
9. Rollo Tomasi
10. Keyser Soze

So, there you have it.  Brooks won fair and square.

Actually though, I am not living a double life.  I don't act any differently in "Brooks-mode", than I do in "John-the toilet champion-mode".  Call me whatever you want as long as its Brooks, or John, or maybe Brooksy, but never, ever call me Johnny.  Johnny is the name of a toilet I was fond of when I was younger.  Early one autumn, Johnny the toilet was injured in a freak cherry-bomb "accident".  I was never the same after that.

Some wounds never seem to heal.