Greatest Foods Ever
Throughout my web authoring career, I have editorialized on a few
types of foods that I enjoy. There are other types that I enjoy, but I
have not had a reason to write about them. I do not want these foods to
feel left out. They bring me so much joy. These foods are like my
best friends, and I feel I owe it to them.
Since I have not updated this site in a while, and to shut you all up
about it, I will tell you, what I think, are the greatest foods of all time.
Note: This in not an all encompassing list. There are many worthy foods
I can write about. The foods I list here are just the ones that
popped into my head this morning at 2:00am.
Also, bear in mind, many of the items on this list may not be considered "food" by some individuals. I do not want to call these people jerks, but...well, you know...
1. French Dip with Au jus:
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What: This dish is a sandwich made with
thinly sliced roast beef on a hoagie roll. It has to have Swiss cheese
on it served with French fries. To top it all off, it has to have
mustard. Not that brown deli mustard crap, it has to have the yellow
angry mustard. Where: The frequency of the French dip sandwich in the wild is fairly common. You just have to know to ask for it. The best French dip’s are found at crappy restaurants like Denny’s, or Shari’s, etc. When: Anytime. The restaurants you can normally find them are open 24 hour a day. If you find a restaurant that is closed, you can be sure that the French dip they offer probably sucks. |
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Special Characteristic(s): As if angry
yellow mustard was not enough, this sandwich comes with it’s own dipping
sauce, called “au jus”. The “au jus” is a sort of beef bullion. It
reminds me of the stuff you get when you order a prime rib. The idea is
to dip the sandwich into the “au jus” for extra flavor. Oh my god it is
good! Au Jus is actually a French term meaning “with juice”. It is pronounced “AHHH JOOOOO”. You really have to sound it out like that. It lets people know how sophisticated you are. Here is an example of what it sounds like when I order a French dip: (note to my wife: the following may not be entirely true)
See what I mean? Careful enunciation of the “au jus” can take even the
most slovenly of Internet authors from 0 to sophisticated in just under
three seconds. It is also a sure fire way to convert lesbians to
bi-sexuality. |
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2. Gas station French vanilla cappuccino
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What: A special mixture of hot water and
magic cappuccino powder that, when combined, tastes like candy, and or
cake, depending on where you get it. The 7-11 variety tastes more like
cake, while the Circle K kind tastes like candy. Either way, it is
refreshing stuff! Where: Again, frequency in the wild is very common. You can find them at Convenience store/gas stations mostly. There is a large machine that normally has three types of hot beverages. When I am not in the mood for a 2-gallon bucket filled with Diet Pepsi, I get a cappuccino. The other two types of hot beverage in the dispenser are hot chocolate, and amaretto. Don’t ask me what those taste like. There is no reason to get them anyway. For liquid cake in a cup, French vanilla cappuccino is the way to go. When: Anytime. The establishments that purvey these concoctions are normally open 24 hours a day. I always wanted to look into getting one of the dispensers for my home. I have had little luck due to the fact that I am too lazy to do the research. If anyone knows how to get his or her hands on one, let me know. |
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Special Characteristics: The most odd thing
about French vanilla cappuccino is that it is not really cappuccino at
all. I went to a swanky restaurant and ordered a cappuccino thinking I
was in for a tasty treat. I was very disappointed when I was brought
some frothy, bitter-tasting cup of liquid shit. I had to add about three pounds of
sugar to make it drinkable. Dangers: Sometimes, due to the fact the establishments that sell the cappuccino are staffed by teenage losers, the dispenser machine runs out of the magic powder. This is not a fun situation. The powder to water ratio must be exact. If not, you are faced with a non-tasty sip of near-boiling, dirt-water. Think about it. There you are, a Styrofoam cup of warm delight in your hand, you cannot wait to take a sip. You bring the cup to your lips and prepare yourself for a taste of candy-cake nirvana. What you actually get, is a taste of scalding grit-water death. Rewards are not without their price! |
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3. Denny’s Mozzarella stix
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What: Fried mozzarella cheese, breaded with
numerous herbs and spices and served with a special sauce. Where: You can get mozzarella sticks almost anywhere, but the best ones are at Denny’s. When: Denny’s is open 24 hours (notice a pattern here?) |
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Special Characteristic(s): In order to
fully enjoy the mozzarella stix, you absolutely have to use the red
dipping sauce. When you order them, you get eight stix in an order,
however, the sauce receptacle you receive is only capable of delivering
sauce to two, maybe three stix. You absolutely must ask for extra sauce. |
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4. Bagel dogs
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What: Special hotdogs wrapped in a
bagel-like coating. These are best eaten plain, without condiments.
It is the only way to enjoy the “wiener flavor”. Where: Bagel dogs are encountered rarely in the wild. The only place I know of to obtain this divinity is to go to Costco Wholesale. Costco is a large Sam’s Club-like establishment located primarily in the Pacific Northwest. In order to shop at Costco, you have to have a membership, or have a family member work there. Bagel dogs are very popular. Sometimes, Costco sells out of the bagel dogs, so if you run out, you are screwed. You can buy them in large packs of 50. A 50 pack of bagel dogs normally will last me about three days. When: If you can find them, you can heat them up in the microwave anytime. |
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| Special Characteristics:
The individual “dogs” are packaged in cellophane. This makes it
easy to cook them. When you put them in the microwave, the
cellophane acts like a steamer. This steamy action perfectly steams
the bagel coating, while warming the dog “meat” inside. Also, I
think they are kosher. Eating kosher foods is not really my thing,
but now that I think about it, bagel dogs are very tasty. Maybe the
whole blessing from a Jewish Rabbi process infuses the tasty kosher
goodness into the bagel dog. Hmmm, something to think about... Dangers: I am not sure if this is a problem for everyone, but bagel dogs give me wicked heartburn. I am perplexed by this. Normally, I get heartburn by eating something with tomatoes in it, like pizza, or tomato bases sauces. As far as I can tell, there are not any tomato-ish substances in the bagel dog. The reason for my bagel induced heartburn will, most likely, forever remain a mystery. Maybe it is because they are kosher. Hmmmm... |
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5. Gyros
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What: The Gyro is a Greek delicacy that
combines the innocent, tender flavor of lamb meat, with the fluffy warmth of flat
bread. To enjoy it fully, you need to add “feta” cheese, which, in
ancient Greek, means “foot”. Where: Common in the wild, you can get gyros in most indoor shopping malls. It is easy to spot the places that sell them. They will have a blue and white motif with a name like “Gyros, Gyros”, or “Gryodopolis”, or even “Zorba the Gyro”. When: Whenever the malls are open, I suppose. You could break into a mall to make yourself a gyro, but then you would have to power up the whole store. It would be easier to go to Denny’s and get a French dip sandwich. |
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Special Characteristic(s): Make sure you
pronounce it JY-ROE. This is the only way the southerners can get it
right. We don’t want them to feel left out. Dangers: Make sure you ask for a “lamb meat with feta only" gyro (commonly known as the “lamb-foot”. If you do not specify when you order a gyro, you will get a one with a bunch of unnecessary crap. Things like cucumber sauce, lettuce, or even horrors such as tomatoes and other foreign vegetables can be found on ruined gyros in malls all across the country. I know I speak for at least myself, when I say this signifies a lack of education on the part of our public schools. This lack of education has resulted in many unskilled gyro-purveyance employees. These employees (if you can even call them that, I call them robots) have been brainwashed to think the default gyro is now something that resembles the wholesomeness of a “lamb foot”, but with the added death of the hidden vegetables inside. This has to stop. I think there is a petition going around somewhere, make sure you sign it. Bear in mind, the whole “lamb-foot” thing might be a regional vernacular. I found this out one fateful day. I traveled to Shreveport, Louisiana, on a business trip. During my lunch break one day, I visited one of the fine indoor malls there and decided to satiate my growing hunger with a tasty gyro. I searched the food court and soon found what I was looking for. Nestled in the corner of the food court, was a gyro purveyance stand called “Gyrotica”. I presented myself at the counter and asked for a “lamb foot”. The heavily pierced mouth-breather behind the counter just looked at me. Here is a transcript of what transpired:
I paid for my meal and took my nacho-gyro to one of the tables. I had never tried a gyro with nacho cheese. I found out after I took a bite that there was a good reason for that. Nacho cheese has no business on a gyro. I still have no idea for the life of me why they had nacho cheese in the first place. Some things may never be explained.
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6. Iced Frappuccino
| What: Iced frappuccino is a tasty coffee beverage that is made with...well, I do not know what it is made with. I am fairly sure there is ice in it, and I think I have seen people but ice cream in it. The only thing I am sure of is that there is espresso in it. Espresso is a severely caffeinated substance that gives you a reason to drink the frappuccino in the first place. Kind of like alcohol in beer. | |
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Where: Within the last decade, frappuccino has made a strong showing in the wild. It is very popular amongst college kids. You can get a frappuccino in all sorts of places. Literally thousands of coffee stands have appeared overnight in my home town alone. Even here, in the Middle East, where it is so hot, you can feel your eyeballs melt inside your head, there are numerous establishments where you can get your hands on a tasty frappuccino. Younger adolescents have also started enjoying the iced coffee. I am not sure why this is. When I was a kid, I thought any sort of coffee was gross. I had to add copious amounts of sugar and creamer to get it to taste right. Why should I go through the trouble of doctoring up a drink, when I can just drink a soda and get the same effect. I have the same view about Corona beer. Any beer I have to put a lime in to drink is just plain stupid, especially when I can simply order a Pabst Blue Ribbon and be done with it. I think one of the reasons kids nowadays are drinking the iced coffee is either; they have not found a trustworthy adult to buy them beer, or they have not discovered the rewards of "paint huffing".
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When: Anytime the coffee stores are open.
You can by stuff to make it at home, but it is not the same. For
some reason, the frappuccino tastes much better if you have a minimum
wage college student make it for you.
Special Characteristics: The caffeine in
the frappuccino is perfect for a mid-morning recharge. Also, if,
like me, you are taking the express train to "Fat Valley", the
frappuccino fills you up and battles the pangs of hunger until
lunchtime. Another danger for men to be aware of is, make sure you get the frappuccino without whip cream. The only manly way to get away with ordering something that sounds as gay as a frappuccino, is to order it without the gay topping. Many of the minimum wage college students will try to put whip cream on top of your frappuccino. This is not manly. If someone sees you drinking a frappuccino with whip cream on top, you might as well put on a dress, because you are gay. If you are a man, and forget to specify "no whip cream", just throw it in the garbage and count yourself lucky no one saw you.
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Damn, I had no idea this was going to be such a large undertaking. Finding pictures and then trying to write something funny on them is hard work. I am going to stop here for now. For some reason, I am very hungry all of a sudden.
I have about 9 other foods that should be on this list, but I will save them for another day.
Be good kids!
