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I feel
bad. I have been dwelling on the bad things in my life. Well,
sometimes I feel bad, but let's face it, as humans, we define ourselves by
our misery, so I have no reason to feel guilty about it. So, guilty
feelings or not I am going to do a happy-fun article about what is good in
life:
Wait, that is
not what I think is good in life, that is what Conan the Barbarian thinks
is good. I am sorry, but I get myself confused with Conan the
Barbarian quite often. It's probably because we both like to punch
camels, or maybe its because were raised as slaves to later become kings
by our own hands. Conan became king by flipping out and kicking ass,
I became king by creating a 3rd world web site.
It's hard to
pinpoint exactly why we are so similar.
Anyways...
Getting back
to what I think is good...(bear in mind, Sharp cheddar Easy Cheez is not
on the list, I already devoted a whole page to it. Check it out here
This is
probably the most faggoty-girl thing on my list. I can't help
it. If I am driving around and I see some cool ass fireworks, I
get excited.
Living in
the Middle East, I have noticed that they do not celebrate any of the
normal holidays. When I say normal, I mean holidays like Arbor
day, My birthday, Flag day, you know, all the firework holidays.
Anyway, they do not celebrate those, they celebrate their own group of
firework holidays. One is called ﻗﻆﻊﻍﻉﺤ, which is
pronounced "Terroradam" in the mother tongue. Mostly, these
holidays involve shooting AK-47's into the air. Since not all
Middle Easterners own AK-47's (roughly 2%) they do the next best
thing, which is, shoot off fireworks.
Ok, say
you are at work, and there is a computer about 3 tables down that you
need to get too. If you have one of those lame-ass metal folding
chairs you have to get up and walk to the other computer (the
horror!!). If you have a rolling chair, you can just roll your
fat, lazy ass over to the other computer. If you get creative,
you can use frenetic arm and leg movements and pretend to row yourself
to the other computer. The possibilities are endless. One
other thing, rolling chairs are usually the slant-i-est. This is
a vital strength of the rolling chair.
There is
nothing better than getting ready to go to a meeting (usually at
4:00pm on a Friday) to find that it was cancelled at the last
second. When this happens to me, I am known to perform my
interpretive dance of meeting cancellation. I really cannot
explain it to you, you would have to see it. This one time, I
had a meeting with President George Bush (The old one). I was hanging
out in the Lincoln bedroom when I got an email on my PDA. The
email informed me that the 4:00pm Friday meeting was canceled. I
immediately started the dance when President Bush walked in on
me. I am not lying when I tell you that he wept
openly.
Quattro
is a term I coined to describe a specific female condition. This
condition is when a woman wears a bra that might be a tad too
small. This results in a slight depression across the middle of
both breasts. This depression effectively splits the boob mass
in half revealing, what appears to be four separate boob entities (two
boob entities on each breast). The etymological background for
quattro comes from a derivative of the Spanish word for "four."
You use
the word like this:
If you
see a woman with this condition, you are in your rights to say,
"Oye, mira
Pepito, ella es tan quattro!!!" ( "Look Peter, she is so
quattro!")
Or, you
could say this:
"El
Legende, ella es verdad, Quattro viva!" ("The Legend, she is true,
Quattro Lives!")
One of the greatest accomplishments in the history of
man would definitely be the signing of the AMF-Brunswick Protocol
Declaration in early 1972. This document clearly defined the
do's and don'ts of bowling center customs and courtesies. Before
the signing of this declaration, the bowling community was awash with
rioting and senseless bowling violence. People would actually
stand at the foul line with beverage in hand and chat, which
eventually led
to the "No Food or Drink" amendment in early 1973.
Pistachios are my favorite nut next to the cashew.
The only reason the cashew wins in my nut contest is because I have to
shell the pistachios before I eat them. Recently, I discovered a
web
site that sells 5lb bags of shelled pistachios. Did you hear
me, I said SHELLED PISTACHIOS. This is the greatest moment in
the history of the world. I can shove pistachios by the
truckload into my mouth without a care for the poor migrant worker
that shelled them. Life is sweet.
From now on, pistachios are my favorite
nut.
A pull-through is when you go to park your vehicle in a
parking lot and find that you can "pull-through" to the other side of
the parking row. This effectively allows you to leave your spot
later without having to back up. You can just pull forward and
leave. When I pull into a parking lot and I spot a pull-through,
I swear I can hear a choir of angels singing about how great I
am.
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