Lesbians

Webster’s Dictionary defines the term "motto" in the following manner:

• A brief statement used to express a principle, goal, or ideal.

Mottos are used liberally throughout our everyday lives.  Every state has one, as well as I'm sure, every city and town in the United States.  Mottos come in all shapes and sizes, even languages.  For instance, the state motto of California is "Eureka!", which is Latin, and means, "Fuck!"  The municipal motto for the city of Los Angeles is "Criminalis et Trafficus en Extremus," which, is also Latin and means, "It's 2:00am on the 405 freeway and I am in bumper to bumper traffic, hey look, someone is shooting at me…"

Some of you motto groupies may be wondering, "We live in the United States, where the official language is American.  Why does the state motto of California contain Latin, when all of the people that live in California clearly speak Spanish?"

That is indeed a good question.

For the sake of myself, and this column, I will add my own definition suffix.

• A brief statement used to express a principle, goal, or ideal that can and should be changed as often as needed.

Over my lifetime, I have adopted many mottos to live by.  When I was a young lad, my main creed was “Girls suck”.  As I got older, my motto changed to “Girls don’t suck”, then, as I learned more and more about the world, it changed to “Girls Suck, and that’s good.”

My mottos went through much iteration over the years.  Examples include “Boobs are great,” “Boobs are awesome,” “Hooray for boobs,” “Mmmmmm, Boobs,” you get the idea.  Anyway, I finally found one motto that I was able to stick with for a long time.  This motto was “Lesbians are cool.”

I discovered this motto upon reading a “Dear Hustler” letter.  I cannot tell you exactly what I read, but let me tell you, after only reading a few sentences, I came away with a definite “Lesbians are cool” sort of feeling and from that moment on, I considered myself a lesbian in a man’s body.

I know some of you are probably thinking, “What about the wallet-carrying, Harley-riding, NRA membership-having lesbians that have been spotted in the forest watching Lifetime?”

Let me tell you, those are not the lesbians I am talking about.  As far as I am concerned those types do not exist and are merely mythological creatures made up to scare straight men.

Ok, ok, they do exist, and that is why my motto is no longer “Lesbians are cool”.   It all came as a rather big shock to me the day I went to see the movie “Duplex”, with my beloved wife.  As we were sitting there waiting for the movie to start, a titanic female waddled into the theater.  I am not saying she was “titanic” to be mean, I am merely stating that she was so large that she had her own ozone layer.  Anyway, my wife, in a mean-spirited attempt to get me to change my views towards lesbians, pointed out to me that this new woman was, indeed, a lesbian. 

Now, as we all know, one voluminous female does not a lesbian make, so I watched cautiously for proof while I pulled out my Mythological Lesbian checklist. 

Portable TV tuned to Lifetime----------NOPE

Wallet on chain-----------------------------NOPE

Harley-----------------------------------------NOPE

Rifle--------------------------------------------NOPE

Forest-----------------------------------------NOPE

Things seemed fine.  There was no reason to believe that this woman was a lesbian.  With a smug smile on my face, I turned to my wife to gloat, when out of the corner of my eye, another grandiose female tottered into the theater.  This second woman immediately walked up to where the first woman was sitting and proceeded to open-mouth kiss her, WITH TONGUE.  I was, to say the least, mortified.

 Note:  I am in no way against any sort of alternative lifestyle, so long as it has nothing to do with children.  If I was to see two heterosexual senior citizens having sex, I would also be “mortified”.

Shortly after the open-mouth kiss, two other lesbian brethren entered the theater and sat with the first two.  By this time, my wife was peeing her pants laughing at me.  Apparently the look on my face was quite comical.  She told me that I looked like a kid that had just found out that there is no Santa Claus.

Note:  Attention all kids; there really IS a Santa Claus.

Since that fateful day, I have come to grips with learning this devastating information.  In fact, I no longer sob uncontrollably while curled up in the fetal position upon noticing one of these new types of lesbians.  I also have noticed that these new types are all over the place.  I was just blinded by my own crazy motto.

Now, I need a new motto.  Many of you will undoubtedly tell me that my new motto should be “Idiots are cool, cause I am one”.  Perhaps it should be, but then again, that is the great thing about mottos, you get to make them up yourself.  I think my new motto should be something hilarious, yet thought provoking.  Hmmmmm… shit, I give up, who needs a damn motto anyway.