Midgets

What is the deal with midgets?  I mean, what is really going on there?  They have the short stature, the bulky frame, etc.  Why don't they all grow long beards and carry battle axes.  That is what I would do if I were a midget.  I would even wear chain mail to work.  This is a golden opportunity for a select group of people, and they are ignoring it.  In the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the character of the brave and mighty dwarf Gimli, is not even played by a midget.  What the hell is that about?  The hobbits are not even played by midgets.  This sounds like discrimination to me and I place the blame squarely on Hollywood.  

For some reason, midgets in Hollywood nowadays are only allowed to play gay roles like christmas elves, porn actors, or professional wrestlers.  This has to stop.  What are the Hollywood entertainment moguls afraid of?  It is not like midgets are going to take over the movie industry the way cinematic comic book adaptations have.  

Verne Troyer, the actor that plays 'Mini Me' in the second and third Austin Powers movies is the only evidence that I can think of where a midget is given a role larger than 'oompa-loompa #2'.  Something has got to be done about this.  I say, to hell with Hollywood.  I am going to take matters into my own hands.

I am going to win the lottery and buy an island.  This island will be the most luxurious vacation getaway spot in the world, nay, the universe, and it will cater only to midgets.  It will have lowered toilets, shorter beds,  midget accessible countertops, etc.  The whole place will be designed for midgets, with the exception of the electrical outlets, those will remain unchanged..

After the island is built, I will, in an effort to cash in on the reality TV stupidity, film my own reality television show called 'Midget Island.'

The premise is simple, eight normal sized people compete for a million dollar cash prize on the island which is inhabited by midgets.  The contestants will be chosen by golden ticket.  These golden tickets will be found on selected cans of Campbell's Potato Ham Chowder, sort of like in Willy Wonka.  This way, we can be sure that it is possible for virtually anyone can get on the show.

Once at the island, the contestants will be forced to do odd jobs and hard labor for the midgets and one by one they will be voted off.  No oompa-loompa jokes, no sassing, no fun at all for the contestants.  Anyone that is voted off will actually be tied down like that guy in Gulliver's Travels when they are sleeping.

This whole thing will last about 8 months, one contestant will be voted off each month.  None of this pansy 30 day bullshit like other shows.

The last person on the island will get the million dollars.  That is it.  No second chance, no way to miraculously give the girlfriend/boyfriend you met on the island some of your money.  Now that I think about it, there will be no contestant dating.  Contestants that have time for dating have time for more hard labor, or a hot poker upside the head.  

On the other hand, contestants that want to date midgets are allowed and encouraged to do so.  

I know at first glance that these ideas may seem revolutionary, but this is an idea that can't miss.  All I have to do now is win the lottery, or receive a large grant from the government.  $259 million should do the trick.

Epilogue

As I write this, I have noticed how it might seem offensive to some people, for that I am sorry.  To tell you the truth, I am not sure that the term 'midget' is even politically correct.  Normally I would not care, but this is TV, and sometimes you have to cater to a larger audience.  To be fair, I did some research (definition of research: "I asked some guy at work") and I found that the politically correct term for midgets is 'little people'.  Go ahead and reread this and be sure that whenever you see the term 'midget', you substitute it with 'little people'.  I don't want my fledgling plan getting off on the wrong* foot by alienating the group of people I am trying to help.

*Note:  When I say the "wrong" foot, I mean the left one.