Ummmm

Welcome, boys and girls.  Hmmm, what am I going to write about today?  I could write about how ultimately cool I am, or, maybe not.  It would take way to long to verbally back up a statement like that.  I could talk about "phone-ear."  You know about "phone-ear" right?  Well, if not, here is an explanation.

"Phone-ear" (Auditorious Hurtlikehellicus) is a debilitating condition that primarily affects males (sometimes, it affects really butch lesbians) ages 1-90, after talking on the phone excruciatingly long amounts of time (excruciatingly long = more than 5 minutes).  Symptoms include, but are not limited to :

I am in no way an expert in this heinous affliction.  I am merely a long-term sufferer (yes, I am married).  My wife, does not seem to be bothered by the effects of "phone-ear."  I find this irksome.  For some cruel reason, females can talk for frickin' ever on the damn phone and never suffer the horrific effects of the dreaded "phone-ear."

Note:  This is the part where I start going on about the age old comedic staple, "bitching about women talking on the phone."  Well, I am not going to do that, so disregard everything you have ever read on this site.

The scariest part about "phone-ear" is that you can get it without even talking on the phone.  This one time, I was listening to some bitchin' "AM-Gold" on my computer at work.  I put on some crappy-ass headphones and, after about 10 minutes, I had a fierce case of "compound phone-ear."  Oh man, it was so bad that I will now revert to Olde English to describe it.  Here goes:

"Thou musteth believest in me whence I sayeth, it suckethed more than anything hath suckethed beforest..."  

Well, except for that one time, when I seven and my younger sister Heidi caught me playing air guitar with my seven-year-old wee-wee, while singing "You ain't nothing but a hound dog."  That sucked much ass.  I really hated my sister back then.

Ok, this is not about "phone-ear", or hating sisters, or women talking too much on the phone.  It's all about how pissed I am about everyone and everything.  When I say everyone and everything, I mean, everyone and everything in Qatar.

I am a patient man.  I have lived in Texas.  I am able to take just about anything any foreign culture can throw at me.  I lived in England for four years.  After a year of hearing people say "treble" instead of "triple" and having to correct people on the right way to pronounce "aluminum" (it's A-LUM-I-NUM, not A-LU-MIN-I-UM you crazy bloody-bloke-mate-prat), I eventually got used to the strange new British culture.  I also spent three months in Panama, and I had no problem adjusting to laying on the beach while drinking umbrella-laden beverages.  

As you can see, I am a very accommodating individual.

Note: The above paragraph, along with anything else read on this site may not be 100% true.

Why am I mentioning this?  I am glad you asked.  I say these things because I have been living in Qatar for about eight months now, and I still for some reason, cannot get used to how fucking selfish and fuckery the indigenous people here act.  If I see one more Arab in a white land cruiser cross into oncoming traffic in order to pass, and ultimately cut in front of cars waiting to turn left, I am just going to loose my fucking mind.  I don't mean the "insane-padded room" sort of loosing my mind, I mean the "attach a rocket propelled grenade launcher to my luggage rack" sort.  This will happen eventually, and everyone will think it is some sort of terrorist act.  I am telling you this so you can set everyone straight.  I am not a terrorist.  I am just an ordinary man forced into extraordinary driving conditions.

I guess what gets me the most, is that, these retarded Arab drivers are Muslim.  From what I have gathered, the Islamic faith is about brotherhood, and tolerance.  It's about the whole world coming together to worship the one true god, Allah, and to recognize that Muhammad (peace be upon him)* is the messenger of Allah.

*Note:  Every time a Muslim individual says the name "Muhammad," they always say "Peace be upon him" right after.  I do not know why, but I am not the sort of person that is keen on pissing off the ancient gods, or god, so I am just going to play along.  One time, when I was 16 and full of angst, I used a razor blade to carve "Zeus licks anus" into my forehead.  Well, Zeus did not like that so he shoved a white hot lightning bolt up my "dirt road".  After that, I vowed never to piss off the ancient gods ever again. 

How can this be?  From what I have seen, the Islamic people that live here act the exact opposite of what Islam stands for.  You know what, it does not matter anyway.  People everywhere of all religions act like assholes.  I should be glad that the Arab people here drive so horribly.  It gives me something to bitch about.  You know I am never really happy without something to bitch about.  Oh wait, I am confusing myself with all women.  (Except for my wife, everything she does is art.)