Currently, here in the Middle East, I am experiencing what I, as a non-Muslim, call "hell month."  I will quote Al Bundy and call this month, "Helluary."

For the uninformed, I am speaking of Ramadan.

Ramadan is the ninth lunar cycle, or month,  in the Islamic calendar.  I use the term "month" loosely here, since it is not an actual genuine month the way us westerners understand months.  Apparently, a lunar cycle is the time it takes the moon to go from full to full again.  This craziness has allegedly been practiced for a thousand or so years.  "The Month of Ramadan is when it is believed the Holy Quran was sent down from heaven, a guidance unto men, a declaration of direction, and a means of Salvation." (The Fast of Ramadan.)

All Holy Quran chicanery aside, the real magic of Ramadan is exposed when you learn what is actually practiced during this holy lunar cycle.  For reasons I am too lazy to research, Muslims during Ramadan will fast during daylight hours.

That's right, I said fast.  No food during daylight hours.  No McDonald's, Burger King, etc. This is why to Westerners, Ramadan is known as Helluary.

Wait, it gets worse.  Muslims do not eat, drink, or do anything fun, like sex, smoke pot, or eat a canned ham during Ramadan.  I really have no problem with this since, as a rule, I try never to stand in the way of religious freedom.  People see me walking down the street and they say, "There goes Brooks, the hilarious dashing man who never obstructs religious freedom." 

But I digress...

During the non-Ramadan months, I hardly notice the Muslim religious practices.  After a few months, you don't even notice the horrible singing broadcast over the entire city, even when they broadcast the singing at 3:00am.  During Ramadan, however, it is not a good idea to eat, drink, have sex, smoke pot, or eat canned ham around Muslims.  Since I live here in Qatar, it was suggested to me that I should at least pretend like I am fasting.  No big deal, when I am at home, I can pretty much go nuts and eat all the ham and smoke all the pot I want.  When I am in my car however, I am supposed to make it look like I am playing along.  This is where I start to panic.

What was I to do?  I could not give up my commute snack, or my commute can of diet soda.  I had to think of something.  Luckily, the night before Ramadan started, I experienced one of my infamous "moments of clarity."

I visited a local pet store and bought some aquarium tubing.  The next day, as I got in my car to drive to work, I put one end of the tubing in my soda.  I took the other end, snaked it behind my ear right into my mouth.  Now no one could see me drinking my blasphemous diet soda.  I am a frickin' genius!

What about my commute snack?  I am glad you asked.  I took a box of Mini-Ritz crackers my wife sent me (Thanks Gloria, you are the prettiest.  I will take out the garbage when I get home), and positioned them between my legs.  As I drove to work, I could reach into the box and easily pop one into my mouth, and just to be sure no one caught on, I would pretend to pick my nose.  I noticed long ago that nose picking is allowed and encouraged here in Qatar, even during Ramadan.  I wanted to blend in.  You know how the old saying goes..."When in the Middle East, pick as the Middle-Easterners pick."  This technique allowed me to saw through the Mini-Ritz crackers like a human wood chipper.  Frickin' genius I tell you.

So where am I going with all this blasphemy?  Well, I learned that during Ramadan, in the day time, while I am driving to work, Mini-Ritz crackers and diet soda tasted different.  When I say different, I mean different in the way of being AWESOME!  It was the best tasting food I had ever eaten.  It was like there was a party in my mouth, and all of Qatar was invited.  Words cannot explain how ambrosial the food tasted.  I have never tasted paradise, but if you could actually eat paradise, I am sure it would taste like Ramadan-Ritz and sacrilege-soda.

I am not alone in this experience.  A friend of mine sent me an email after I told him about my Ramadan-food discovery.  Here it is:  (note.  My comments are footnoted at the bottom)

Wow,

That is way cool.

In fact, driving in on my way to work today, (You could actually quote this as part of a survey)¹ I noticed that water tastes much so more refreshing and is indeed, even colder right out of the fridge during Ramadan. I also noticed that my morning banana, ingested usually in the industrial area², as I'm driving to work in the morning, bruises less easily and has a much more Caribbean banaynay³ taste than usual. I've also put that down to Ramadan. I was going to start smoking again, b.c. as a forbidden daytime Ramadan vice, "When is a better time to start?" There just isn't.⁴

However, I'm still waiting for the banana trees to sprout up out of the ground⁵. This is my special Ramadan miracle hope⁶, because I always throw my Banana skin out of the window at the same place every morning. Just like Cat Stevens⁷, or maybe not....I've peered towards heaven and declared to God, "If a banana tree grows in my special banana skin spot on the Doha industrial estate by the end of Ramadan, I'll discard my rock 'n roll lifestyle and dedicate my life to God."⁸

Inshallah

Skjippers

 

 

1.  Oh, I will, you can be damn sure of that.

2.  Driving through this area on the way to work is the safest non-persecution route if you are going to indulge in blasphemy.

3.  That's right, he said BANANAY!

4.  Indeed!

5.  Huh?

6.  What the...?

7.  Cat who?

8.  Oh, now I get it.  Cat Stevens converted to Islam after a near death experience.  This is sweet, but I don't think God gives two shits about rock n' roll.  What really pisses God off is when, after cleaning up his house, all the saved people that have died come in the back door and trample mud all over everything and wreck up the place.  I guess what I am saying is, why can't we dedicate our life to God, and still have a rock n' roll lifestyle?

See?  There you have it. Proof that food just tastes better during Ramadan.  If you get a chance, I highly recommend it.  The experience is well worth any time you may spend in hell.

References:

The fast of ramadan. (n.d.). retrieved Oct 23, 2004, from Ramadan on the net Web site: http://www.holidays.net/ramadan/story.htm.