|
I am having trouble thinking of things
to write about. I have some ideas, but they are not prolific enough to
fill up an entire webpage. So, in the interest of the psychotic throng
that is my fan base, I am going to put all the stupid ideas I have had right
here for all to make fun of.
-
Why is it that when you drive by a heavy
equipment rental store, all of the forklifts are raised and the scissor
jacks are extended to their fullest capacity? It's as if they are
saying, "Look over here and bow down to us in all our hyper-extended
glory!"
Lets face it, in order to be old enough
to actually rent a forklift, you should already be well aware of what a
forklift can actually do. I am pretty sure that, in order to get a
forklift license, knowing basic forklift capabilities is one of the pre-requisites.
I discussed this with some of my
co-workers. They told me that the reason all the equipment is in
"extension" mode, is to show the public that the equipment actually
works. This may be true, but who rents a forklift without trying it out
first?
Eboner (ē'bō'nәr),
n.
1. Male state of arousal upon
viewing internet pornography.
"The e-mail my wife sent me was so
e-rotic it gave me an e-boner."
2. Mistake or blunder made while
using the internet.
"I pulled a major eboner when I
used my work email address to subscribe to that barnyard-sex chat group.
So, there I was feeling very clever when
I decided to look "eboner" up on the internet. I found many
pornographic sites that used the term "boner", but no
"eboner." I had started to fill out the trade marking
paperwork when I came upon a site that had the definition of
"eboner". The site was urbandictionary.com.
If you wish to see what their definition
was, feel free to click on the above link. I have to say, that my
definition(s) are much better. The urban dictionary definition of eboner
makes absolutely no sense, and, I think it was so stupid I think it literally
gave me diarrhea. Be right back...
-
One time, I was at a strip bar in Ft.
Walton Beach, Florida with one of my work friends. We were getting
bored with the place so we decided to leave. The mug I was drinking
from had a small amount of beer left in it. One thing about me is that
I never drink that last swallow of beer. Usually by the time I almost
finish the beer, it is all warm and nasty with all sorts of back-wash in it
and I find it hard to drink without vomiting. Anyways, as we were
getting up to leave, my friend noticed my beer mug and immediately started
giving me crap about being a "beer-waster." Well, I did not
want to be labeled as a "beer-waster", so I picked up the mug and
drank the last of the warm, spit-soaked beer.
I am not proud of what happened next...
The second I was finished swallowing the
nasty beer, I knew I was going to spew. I did not want anyone to know
that I was puking, so, thinking quickly, I positioned the beer mug up near
my mouth and inconspicuously expelled the contents of my stomach into
it. My friend stood there immobile, unbelieving of what he had
witnessed. I placed the spew-filled mug onto the table, wiped my mouth
and said to my friend, "Lets go!"
We got out of there very quickly.
To this day I feel bad for the waitress
that had to clean up my "offerings." I would like to
apologize for that right now.
To the waitress that worked at Sammy's
on the Island in Ft. Walton Beach in January of 1992, I would just like to
say, I am so very sorry.
It feels so good to get that off my
chest. I am going to sleep good tonight.
Note: I am aware that the term
"teenager" is actually defined as "An angst-ridden individual
between the ages of 13 and 19." Saying "angst-ridden
teenager" is like saying "anus-born poop." My whole point
here is that teenagers are stupid.
Note about note: I am qualified
to speak on teenagers because I was one once, and I was terribly
stupid. Therefore, since I was stupid, it is only logical that all
teenagers are also stupid. How is that for a stereotype!
Am I the only one that
thinks that this is a horrible idea? If not, then take a look at this:
Lt. Dumas:
"Sir, there is an army of 10,000 waiting to take control of Washington
D.C."
Gen Wenker:
"No problem Lieutenant, send in the Army of One!"
Lt. Dumas:
"Roger that sir!"
5 minutes later
Lt. Dumas:
"Sir, an army of 10,000 has taken control of Washington D.C."
Gen. Wenker:
"I think I am going to retire and run for president as a
Democrat."
I am sure that the Army
of One is, logistically speaking, easier to maintain than say, an army of
500,000. If we continue to speak logistically, I am rather sure that a
dairy cattle "herd of one", would also be easier to deal with.
Less cow poop, along with less milk. Life is a give and take.
The deep thinkers at Indymedia have come to the
conclusion that the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy paints a
"racist stereotypical tapestry" that does a disservice to young
viewers everywhere.
Lloyd
Hart says people of color are all associated with the Dark Lord
Sauron in the movie and the elephant-riding mercenaries too closely resemble
the cultures of Africa, Persia and East Asia. The Uruk-hai also too closely
resemble Native Americans, which is sure to cause "a great deal of
cultural and racial alienation."
The fact that King Theoden, a white guy, calls his
troops the "great warriors of the West" clinches it in Hart’s
eyes.
"Can you imagine how people of skin color, of
Persian, Arab and East Asian ethnic background feel when they come out of
these films where all the heroes are white and all the 'evil doers' are of
dark skin," Hart writes.
Lets go kill these people!
|
