Revelation

A friend of mine, lets call him Dave, oops, err, lets call him Pedro, told me a story about his mother one day.  His mother was a rather devout Christian and went to Church like a true zealot.  Pedro grew tired of attending church with his mother and looked for a way out.  He happened upon a paradox about God that was sure to bend his mother to his way of thinking.  

Pedro entered the kitchen one Sunday morning before church and asked his mom, "Hey mom, can God make a rock so big and so heavy that he cannot lift it?"  

His mother, undaunted, replied, "If he wanted to!"  

At that moment, Pedro realized that he was going to be following his mother to church for a very long time.

Why am I telling you this?  Well something divine happened to me and I need to tell the world about it.

Last night, I woke up in a cold sweat.  I had had a revelation.  I had finally come to a deep understanding of a problem that had been bothering me all my life.  This was a revelation of biblical proportions, an undeniable truth that was frightening and exciting at the same time.  As I lay squirming in the darkness, I attempted to get my mind around what had occurred to me.  As I calmed down, I knew I had to let the world know of my discovery.

Ok, are you ready?

Make sure you are sitting down.

Ok, here it is.

God want us to pick our noses.

Ok, I know, right?  Insurmountable truth in all it's glory.  It is impossible to deny.  I tried to deny it, and I failed.  

I will give you time to stop squirming.

I know I really do not need to explain myself, but for the unenlightened, I will try to put into words what is probably un-put-into-words-able.

First of all, I want to define "God".  I am not talking about any specific god.  When I say "God", it can be any god you choose.  Be it Jesus, Ganesha, Allah, Acne-us*, whatever.  Lets not get hung up on the vernacular.  We have a long way to go.

*Note:  Acne-us is the Greek god of dermatology and is said to have created the earth and the heavens when attempting to evacuate (pop) a skin blemish (zit).

 

Anyway, this came to me when I was contemplating nostril hair.  For some people, nostril hair is a necessary problem many middle aged men, and some women deal with every day.  Supposedly, nostril hair is supposed to protect the inside or your nose, or something.  As I meditated on this, my thoughts naturally drifted to the size of my nostril holes.  At that precise moment, I realized my nostril holes are exactly the same size as the circumference of my largest finger.

Thinking harder, my thoughts drifted to my son.  I remember when he was an infant, his nostril holes were very tiny.  His fingers were very tiny also.  Due to the tiny-ness similarity, he was able to insert his finger into his nostril holes even before he knew how to form simple thoughts.

This fascinated me, but I was still confused.  There were two unknowns that I needed answers for:

• Do our fingers and nostril holes grow at the exact same rate?  

Or

• Do our nostril holes not grow, but get bigger because we jam our fingers in there and stretch them out?

These are indeed fascinating questions that probably can never be answered.  If there was a way to keep a human being from sticking his/her fingers in their nose, would they grow up with tiny nostrils?  Do people that are born without hands have tiny nostrils?  Do these handless people hire others to take care of their snot-locker?   Hmmm, makes you think.

Even if you could keep someone from picking their nose, how would you accomplish it?  Some sort of electric shocking device?  A nostril drainage system to keep the nostril owner from cleaning house? A mild non-arid climate maybe?  Hmmm, even more to think about.

I know I am not alone in thinking that this is an area that needs to be researched more completely.  I  will need volunteers.  I would do it, but I am already too old and I live in the desert where it is dry and arid.  At my age, I do not think my fingers are going to get any bigger, and my nostrils are already nearing the size hubcaps.  

Since I cannot do it and there are not many newborn infants offering up their nostrils, my dream of understanding and enlightenment will probably never be realized.  This is why I came to my revelation:

God wants us to pick our noses.

Why does God want us to pick our noses?  I do not know.  Why do men have nipples?  Why did God put the "ape" in "apricot"?  Humans cannot even begin to comprehend why God does what he/she does.  

Really though, is this not what God is for?  Assigning unexplainable things to the glory, or mystery, of Him/Her?  Is that not what faith is all about?  The concept of faith is believing in something that has no basis in scientific fact.  Well, because of a sudden infant nostril shortage, the whole nostril mystery cannot be proven scientifically.  It is for this reason, that we must place all of the nostril-circumference responsibility squarely on God's shoulders.

What have we learned from all this?  Well, for starters, the next time you see someone picking boogers, do not make fun of them.  They are merely having a private moment with their god.  There is no room in this world for people who make fun of others' religious beliefs.  This is how wars get started.  Hoards of people think that the war in the Middle East is about oil.  Well, it is not about oil, it's about religion.  If we practiced the same religion as the Muslims, they would probably give us oil for free.  Let me rephrase that, If the Muslims practiced the same religion as we do...Crap, there is no way for that not to be offensive.  Oh well.

So, to sum up...

The evidence is irrefutable.  God made our fingers the same size as our nostrils for a reason.  We just do not know what that reason is.  The only conclusion I can draw from this is:

God wants us to pick our noses.

Feel feel free to pick your nose.  God wants you to.  I know Allah loves it when his followers mine the green ore in proboscis cavern.  I see them doing it all the time, especially in their cars, where they think no one can see them.

We have to keep God happy.  You do not want a vengeful god do you?  Remember what happened at Sodom and Gomorrah?  Those people were too busy having orgies and worshipping false idols to pick their noses.  As a result, they all had small, non-stretched nostrils.  This really pissed God off.  We know what occurred after that.  Let's not let it happen again.

For the love of God, pick your nose.