Thumbs

 

A great man once said

"With great thumbs, comes great responsibility and criticism, along with widespread misunderstanding."

When I say a great man, I mean, me.

My thumbs are the greatest thumbs ever created.  When I thumb-wrestle, I kick total and complete thumb-ass.  I know that all of you are thinking that my thumbs could not ever be as grandiose as I claim.  Well they are.  Check out the picture below:

 

I know, I know, not marveling at my thumbs' greatness is quite impossible.  Don't even try.

People criticize me daily, telling me that my thumbs look like big toes grafted onto my hands.  These people are stupid and ignorant.  Sometimes, when feeling especially superior, I use my thumb to crush them into human-jelly.

Some people call my thumbs "hammer thumbs".  Not because they look like hammers, but because it looks like they have been smashed with a ball-pein hammer, or similar ball-pein object.  I tried to start calling them "ball-pein thumbs," but the awesome excellence of my prehensile digits was too much for the public to handle.  Since my conception, the term "hammer thumbs" has forever been etched into the psyche of the worldwide populace. 

No one has thumbs like mine, with the exception of my 8 year-old daughter, Madison. She is a thumb prodigy.  She inherited them from me in a rare stoke of genetically-induced luck.  She tells me all the time that she is grateful for not inheriting her mom's, or anyone else's, mundane thumbs.

Madison:  "Dad, why are our thumbs so incredibly awesome?"

Me:  "Well, our bloodline has been chosen to be carriers of the one true thumb."

Madison:  "Some kids at school make fun of me because of my excellent thumbs."

Me:  "They are jealous, the only thing you can do is pity them."

Madison:  "I DO pity them."

 

In the summer of 2002, a statue was erected to commemorate the "one true thumb."  The public was allowed to vote on a marble depiction of my older, more mature thumb, or a granite rendition of my daughters younger, more virile thumb.  The votes were tallied with the granite version edging out the marble version by one vote.  Here is a picture:

 

 

In early 2003, while we were kicking Saddam Hussein's ass all over Iraq, I got fed up with the pansy-assed French military.  I went to Paris and, with the help of one of my index fingers, used one of my immense thumbs to crush the Eiffel tower.  HAHA, screw you, stupid French military.  I know this sounds unbelievable, but take a look at this:

 

*Note:  My index finger is also awesome, but to a lesser extent.  Don't be fooled, it can and will poke the shit out of any other finger.

As you can see, there is no greater thumb than mine, or my daughters.  If you think otherwise, than you better bring it.  I will make your thumb cry and poop its thumb-pants by administering the patented Thumb-Whomp* to your inadequate thumb-ass.

*Note: Patent Pending

Another note:  I swear that the pictures that have been showcased in this thumb-tastic divulgence have not been doctored or augmented in any way.  I don't even know what Adobe Photoshop 7.1 is, let alone, how to use it.

 

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