Vegetables

Here is a list of vegetables I hate:

1.  All of them!

Ok, I do not hate all of them.  I certainly do love potatoes.  I understand the importance of vegetables, even the gross orange ones (cooked carrots are the absolute worst), so hate might be a strong word for the entire vegetable family.  I suppose you could say that I am 'disgruntled' with most vegetables, but I am 'gruntled' with potatoes.  Is there even such a word as 'gruntled'?  How can you be 'disgruntled' if you were never 'gruntled' in the first place.  This is another thing that bothers (disgruntles) me.  You never hear anything about 'gruntled' postal workers, only the 'disgruntled' ones.  Life is not fair.

Going back, any form of potatoes modern man (modern women actually, since they do all the cooking) can create I whole heartedly approve of.  This is why I eat clam chowder.  As a rule, I am against clams.  Clams are just too chewy for my tastes.  I cannot help thinking as I am chewing on a clam (hehe) that I am eating something that looks, when uncooked, like a booger.  If the clam consistency was a little more forgiving, I would not have time to contemplate the crustacean booger-eating and therefore, eating them would not be a problem.  Despite the clam chewing (hehe), the only reason I can even eat clam chowder is because of the potatoes.  In fact, there are more potatoes in clam chowder than actual clams.  Don't ask me why that is.  You don't call Kool-aid 'Water-aid' because there is more water than 'kool' (except for when you get a 'Kool-Aid' moustache, then you got 'kool' all over your face)  Anyway, as I was saying, the potatoes make the chowder taste good, thus, allowing me to eat something I would normally never ever eat.

One great thing I discovered in my long years as a clam hater, is a product called 'Potato Ham Chowder'. 

Campbell's makes this sweet nectar fit only for the mouths of gods.  Thankfully, the 'gods', whoever they may be, had decided early on, (probably just after the crusades, but before we (humankind) really started fucking things up) that humans should be worthy of 'Potato Ham Chowder'.  This sort of chowder, has the taste of clam chowder without the extra chewing.  Here is the biblical verse form Ecclesiasticialianisms 3:21:

...And the lord said unto the prophet Brooksius, "Take your behemoth prehensile digit and deliver unto Pharaoh the gift of the god's chowder, for it will bring peace to all lands and end the suffering of the hungry and cure the leprosy of all the leprous lepers that have been cursed upon this earth..."

...and so the prophet Brooksius went to Pharaoh with the gift of the god's chowder.  He was labeled heresy and his thumb was lashed 50 times.  His thumb smote the lasher and, with a great flaming spoon, cast the god's chowder into the mouth of Pharaoh.  Pharaoh declared that it was good.  Thereby after, the thumb and the chowder held a monster party at one of the temples.  Everyone in town attended and got wicked drunk...

But I digress.  Back to vegetables I hate.  Some vegetables I can handle in raw form.  Like salad fixins'.  You know, stuff like, lettuce, bacon, bacon bits, croutons, cubed ham bits, cheese, sesame seeds, those brown twig things, egg yolks, full fat ranch dressing, etc.  One of these vegetables is the onion.  In raw form, onions are not bad, but once you cook them, you have the vegetable equivalent of the booger.  This is why I hate onion rings.  I am a fan of fried foods, but when you deep fry an onion in batter the end result is a deep-fried onion booger worm thing.  Get that shit off my plate!

Normally I allow onion rings to be gross as long as they don't bother me.  Well, at the dining facility here where I work, they force the onion ring cause down my throat.  At a normal sort of cafeteria-type facility, you can have onion rings once in a while, but the normal fried side order is usually french fries.  Here, at my cafeteria-type facility, the rule is 97% of the time there are onion rings, and 3% there are french fries.  Even on the french fry days, they have onion rings, just in case you started to go through booger-ring withdrawals.  To make things worse (if they could get worse), these onion rings are huge, obnoxious, dinner-plate sized onion rings that sit in the warming pan waiting for me to walk by.  When they see me, they yell, "EAT ME DAMMIT!"  At this point I run away crying towards the grilled cheese assembly area to console myself with a cheesy treat.

What the hell is wrong with the world?  It does not stop with onions.  Mushrooms are at the top of my most hated vegetable list also.  I am aware that mushrooms might not fall into the vegetable category, but for the sake of eating fungus, I will categorize it the way I want.  Mushrooms are the worst.  I cannot even eat a pizza if a mushroom has ever touched it.  Even if the pizza maker dude touched a mushroom eight hours before he makes my pizza, I will yark when I eat it.  It's like some weird allergy or something.  In the dining facility here, they almost daily have brown gravy.  Sometimes it is brown gravy with mushrooms.  Brown gravy with mushrooms is not brown gravy, it is mushroom gravy.  To make things horribly worse, they have two signs, one with 'Brown Gravy', and one with 'Mushroom Gravy'.  For some reason unknown to me, they refuse to use the mushroom gravy sign.    The dining facility workers try to trick me with the brown gravy sign to get me to ingest the spew-worthy mushroom chunks swimming lazily (below the surface, so as not to be seen) in the seemingly innocent-looking brown gravy.  

I am a glass is half-full sort of guy, in fact, fuck the half-full shit, how about a glass is real damn full sort of guy.  Everyday I am dangerously optimistic.  I pray that there are french fries and brown gravy when I walk into the dining facility, and most of the time, I am disappointed.  I do not know how much longer I can take the disappointment.  One day I am going to go on strike.  I will be standing outside our dining facility like a teamster with a sandwich board that says "I HAVE SEEN THE MUSHROOM, AND IT WAS BAD", or "GIVE ME FRENCH FRIES, OR GIVE ME DEATH", or even, "I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BITCH ABOUT THE FOOD HERE."

Ehhhh, maybe not.  

I wonder what they are serving for dinner at the dining facility.  Maybe its french fries with brown gravy...Man, I am hungry.